my asian homeboyz

It wasn't til the second to the last summer that we as a gang were gaining popularity in the surrounding area and hoods, when others were leaving their gang to join ours.

Two guys i came in contact with were both Asian, actually one was only half and American. I welcomed them both into joining our gang and they did, after getting the shit beat out of them. Strange way of welcoming someone to the hood, but thats the way it was and i'm sure is still...No i take that back! These fools have to shoot somebody, anybody, or maybe a rival gangster sometimes - You hear about it on ocassion.

Well it turns out my two new homies are cool vatos for being tight eyed...or is that tie dyed? Either way they were to become friends. One, whose name was Wing (really) was a good friend down the line and he was the one who once warned me not to come back down to L.A. when things were looking like shit for me.
The plot thickens....
The other who i will call Tommy G. aka Buddha was cool too. But it turns out - i was the real A-Hole.

One night as we were all parting( hum,is that right?) and we were all pretty much F-ed up(is that how you abreviate Fucked up?)
Anyway...I was wasted and so was Tommy, and he was hanging on a homeboy barely able to stand on his own, when to me it looked like he was kissing him (he wasn't) but i thought he was and from the next day on i began to spread rumors that he was a fag. (The word "gay" wasn't even known at the time!)
Well it seemed that i set the ball rolling on this secret, this lie i made up (why? i don't even know) and it came back to viciously bite him over and over again, never letting the wounds to heal or go away.
It wasn't til many years later that i found out what i had done to his life because of it.

One day as we were sitting around his pad and it all came up, i found myself really hating myself for putting him through that Pain and suffering.
When he told me that he got into trouble just to be taken away, to be somewhere else where he wouldn't be taunted when someone saw him , I realised what a real AssHole i was. (then.. not now) oh, who am i kidding! j/k

I told him as he was telling me his story...Man!, Don't you feel like just beating the crap out of me?
(almost as to say please!) I know i would have let him!

His next reply would change me forever....


NO HE SAID....
Then he said Because I love You Man,
and it was from the heart and real. Something i never heard or felt before and sure didn't deserve to hear. Those true words will stay with me forever. Forgiveness is a Powerful Force that can change anyone's life.
Just as Jesus did when on the cross dying for you and for me. and it didn't end there.

School Daze - in between the lines

When i went to (King) Jr. High for the very first time, it was traumatizing for me. I would think it probably was for just about everybody!

In my case it was hard to adjust as a normal student into his studies or whatever. I skated by til one day i was suspended for finally missing -(ditching) too much school.
Eventually i was let back in and i continued to attent regularly. I did get in trouble at home and was put on a curfew-that sucked!

It was also an awkward time in my life going through p-u-ber-ty. I was confused about everything only i didn't know it! Even a few "loose" girls had scared me by coming on too strong-Yikes!

On one ordinary day i was just minding my own business when this guy i sorta kinda knew came running by me and grabbed my Cool Shades, Well that ain't right i probably said to myself as i then ran after him. When i caught up i grabbed him and then my sun-glasses and i pushed him.

Well he didn't like that, not in front of his friends so he told me -after school , its on....just you and me!
Needless to say , i was shit'n bricks!
Everyone was telling me of what a good fighter he was so i was scared! I kinda felt like the Beaver, but there was no Walley to be found . (punk!)

Well all i could do was wait for the bell, and i was counting the seconds! Finally...school was out and i started on my way out as i noticed a crowd was following behind and soon coming up to "thee-spot" (not to be confused with G-spot)

I didn't see anyone from a distance so i was hoping that maybe-just-maybe it was a bad dream i had in class! Well i musta woke up cause as i approched i saw all these heads pop-up. They were all sitting down on this 2' curb in the alley entrance at the end of the street.
By the way, that alley had a name.........
Blood Alley.

Now let me say, i had no real experience in street fighting so today was my first time out.
He stood up and came over to me, took his stance and i followed his lead. The first few punches made their mark and blood came out of my nose.

Correction......HIS NOSE!

Don't ask me how but even i was impressed!
Almost as if i had taken boxing lessons or something but i was doing real good and blocking all his punches and throwing some and he blocked mine too, until his arms started to give.

At that time, now 40 min. into it as i found out later, I got this notion that i was bored with fighting so i wanted to wresle now. BIG MISTAKE!!

It seems my false self- confidence got the better of me. I soon found myself and my self-confidence on the bottom and getting our heads banged on the ground!

That would have been my final defeat if not for a friend who in turn pushed another friend (a girl) onto us and in that moment i was able to escape his grasp!

From then on i would continue to swing til he no longer could take it and broke-down in utter defeat. Some of his friends (girls) kept pleading-leave him alone already!

That day i decided to walk home all the way from school and i lived far from there. I don't know why i did but i do know every curb i had to lift my feet up on hurted! I was really sore and tight.
I fought plenty of times after that but never like i did that day.

The principle caught wind of it and eventually i would be expelled besides other things.

Virgil-nothing , Irving-nothing much, but after Irving... On the Eastside was a school just for boys like me, the one's that didn't learn. The school was called Andrew Jackson and it was a bad boy school, it was my school now like it or not. Jackson had a rep. too and it was hardcore. What else can i say.

The Drop-Out...drops back in !

It seems that from day one i just didn't care for going to school and learning. Why? To this day i'm still not really sure, all i can do is guess and then there is this A.D.D. thing but i don't know what my real problem was. Maybe if i spent more time thinking about it i might come up with a plausable answer- Who knows.

My first time "ditching " school was , now get this.....In 4nd grade!
I remember sitting on the sidewalk at the top of the hill (street) and over-looking the playground from a distance. The song that i heard playing from a near-by house was the Beatles; Michele(my belle). To this day i really love that song and name. Strange how it still takes me back to that moment.
If my second son Danny would have been a girl..... Yup, Michele !

So i obviously had a problem associating with the educational system and learning just wasn't in my interest nor was and especially -HOMEWORK!
I deplored it, despised it....well- i just didn't darn like it! (and Bart is saying "right-on man")

I also know i had a sleeping problem and still do but its not really a problem-its a BAD HABIT! It seems i don't like to go to sleep any earlier than mid-night. Now i can get away with it for the most part but back then i would just lay there until 12am or so and i never said anything to anyone.

Today i can stay up til 2-3am, thats when i become sleepy. If i have to go to work at 5-6am i can adjust and do that if i have to, other wise.......

So, I feel now that i probably needed a little one-on one help in school, maybe.
Through out my school years i had terrible grades and i didn't care (or my parents either) , cause i never remember if they told me anything about it. (on occassion)

Eventually i was kicked-out of one school after another, in Jr. High. I went to King, which was my 1st one and lasted til the 8th grade. Then to Virgil, which i just didn't like the vibe there (gangs).
Then came Ervine, which i really liked cause of all the cute girls! I only lasted 3 weeks there cause i kicked a "safety monitor" down some stairs who told me to go back down and not skip steps again.

I knew why i did that, it was cause i wanted to be cool in front of the girls passing by , then this fool kills my action! That was my reasoning. I never did anything like that before but i was already becoming involved with "gangs" so my attitude was starting to change and this was the beginning of being "BAD" if you know what i mean, (a tough guy).

After being expelled i was sent to the "last resort" school. Jackson was a all-boy school for those coming or going to juvenile hall or camp. I would soon be going to detention camp and juvy was like a second home to me already.
Funny, but i actually did better at Jackson with out any "distractions" but not that much better.

I decided to drop-out in the 10th grade and wanted to work better, now many times has that line been told!

So I did....

...........(Skipping ahead now and stopping at age 21 and dropping back in).............

After all the different jobs and now with 2 sons, I was told about a place where you would get sent to finish school.
The place was out of state and everything was provided and taken care of etc.
Job Corps. was a Government Program for anyone 21 and under to get a second chance at their Education AND also learn a Trade.

At that time in my life i remember reflecting and thinking how i never accomplished anything in life and i really felt deeply to complete A GOAL and that would be my Education.

That was to be my start...

G' ride 1

One night as we (Wilo,guino & myself) were near Downtown L.A. walking and just about hating it so we decided to "rent" a car. As we walked past the corner gas station with a shop or garage behind it we noticed a 63 Chevy parked there. Now Chevys were always a piece of cake as long as you carried a screwdriver with you for just those kinds of emergencies. One of us went over to check it out and it seemed alright, besides what did we have to lose, right? HA!
We poped the vent widow open then the ignition and started it right up-no problem!
-Wrong again!
It seems that just as we got in the car and started it, a Police car had slowly pulled up on the street and we ducked down. But too late and i even now think that i might have had my foot on the brake? if so the tail-lights would have been on.
Well the patrol car pulled right up behind us with their spotlight on us but i wasn't quite ready to give up just like that!
So we pulled out into the street and the slow speed chase was on! Why slow? The car wasn't warmed up enough to have any power.(the carb/choke)
As we drove through the streets more and more police cars joined in. At times they even tried to cut us off or block us a few times, but the car was warmed-up by now and i just anticapated there next move somehow. We weren't going to get away but for some stupid reason we tried! (go figure)
I knew all the streets and there turns and thats probably how i was able to think ahead of them. I started to drive towards the areas closer to home and think of any places where we might be able to jump out and make a run for it! There was this long narrow alley just on the other side of this hospital called Gateways and it dead-ended, so i thought that would be a good spot to bail out so we headed to it and drove to the very end of it.
With their sirens blarring and all kinds of red lights right behind us, we went for it the time was now or never! We were ready and pumped -

We made our move....

G' ride 2

That night seemed really cold and our hearts were beating really fast,
we were soon ready to bail.....

I had no idea just how many black n' whites were behind us now as we pulled into the alley. I also had no idea just how fast these guys can jump out of their patrol cars!
No sooner that we had our doors opened and ready to run they were on us like flies on shit...and we were shit!
I opened my door and as i did, all i saw was a black club coming at me (it missed) and the second time it was jabbed but it logged into the steering wheel horn! The cop wasn't too happy about it! (but i was...but not for long)
Now this is what i think went on in his (cop) mind as he realized that he could patent this idea if he only painted it "red", ya think?
Today he is probably stinking rich and did i ever get (at least) a Thank You Note in the mail??? NO! Some nerve! q:(
Another officer then pulled me out yanking me and throwing me on the ground then kicked me a few times (1 or 12 but who's counting)
Then dragged me to their car hood and leaned me up against it. As i has bent over facing the hood one of them grabbed the back of my head and banged my face into it - again "a few times".
I was bleeding, but not as bad as i thought. I'd live.
One of my homies attempted to intervene by saying stop or something but all it got him was a wack or two and he shut-up real quick! The other homie was smart enough to keep quiet....or was that him who was yelling; YEAH - Hit m'good Mista Os-if -fer!?
NAW..Probably not.
So there went our little joy ride in da G-ride!
But only for that time.. I would do it as often as i needed wheels regardless of the possible end results, my focus was narrow-minded and as a teen with the hormones raging i needed to have something to pick up girls to go for "A-RIDE". (oh-yea) But not that night or the next anyway. I believe i can still remember how everything looks (if still the same) inside Rampart Police Station so what does that tell you?
AS for no Helicopters? I'm not sure if they even had the spot lights back then either?

Not like these days anyway- where a half million stinkin' copters are all lined up trying to zoom in on some ugly-ass whose bout to be hog-tied and hauled away! HA!
As long as its not me? I'm cool with that!
As for all the cop cars parked bumper to bumper in the alley? 15 or so! Thats alot!!
A couple days later.. one of my friends said he had heard about us on the radio news I said yea....so?

Well thats it.. Thats what i experienced on many different occassions and it was no big thing as a minor who always seemed to just get a lil slap on the hand by the nice ol' Judge.....

(go figure)

My Own Ride Now

The days of G' rides are long gone, I gots my own to cruise these days. What i bought for $300 and put 3 more g's into and this is what i built....not too shabby!

My own "personal therapy" i found that keeps me out of trouble is restoring my car and truck. Sweet ride to cruise.

Point Blank 357mag

Ever had the experience of being shot? I been real close to it many times but never.
How bout shot at?(hasn't everybody in L.A.?) hehe. Well i had a chance to find out what its like to be shot at within three feet of range and yet somehow missed. Well not entirely...I did feel the powerful blast of percussion (pressure) on my chest, and as you've heard stories, my life did flash before me in such a way that time really did come to a stand-still. It was bizarre to say the least.

This one begins like this-
I live on a isolated lil street that seems to be more like an alley than anything. One car can pass by the row of parked cars in front of their homes on this quiet little street. I live just around the corner from my young neighbor Fernando. One night around 8 pm or so, i seen his VW being pushed by another car as they went on up the block.

I thought nothing of it thinking his ol' bug was just getting a push start or something like that.
A few minutes later i see Fernie running up and asking if i had seen his bug going by. I told him i thought it was him and he told me it was just stolen. We jumped into my goat (GTO) and went to look for them whoever they were. We cruised a few streets and then as we passed a school, we could see it on the other side of the playground parked as these guys were checking it out. I parked the car and opened my trunk to aquirre a couple of crude weapons.

I grabbed my bumper jack, a long 3' piece of metal with the bumper hitch on the end for the older model cars. Fernie grabbed his baseball and we quietly walked around to where the car was parked. By then they were already gone but not too far away, just around the corner and getting into their car. We caught up to them on foot as they were slowly pulling away.
Now, the whole time i'm thinking..just who do these guys think they are! Coming into MY neighborhood and ripping off my neighbor's car! I wasn't too happy about it and even though i had not been involved in any type of violent activities or the such in a very long time, i wasn't gonna stand there and do nothing! I felt my old mentality coming out for the occasion and i was ready. (or so i thought)

Fernie was scared but even more, he was mad!
The car came our way slowly. It was full of guys, around 5 to 6 of them and it was dark enough to not see who they were, but it didn't matter cause they were just some punks from who knows where and i knew how to deal with them. I had chased or beaten many an outsider once and thought i was just gonna have to do it again now.

I wasn't thinking about how i still had balls cause it was at one time second nature to me.
I made my move and stepped out from behind a parked car right into their path and they stopped about 15 or 20 feet away. Fernie now stepped out behind them. We bagan to walk towards them, not saying a word. As we approached, i gave Fernie his Q
and he shattered the rear window. I kept walking towards them ready for them to pile out and then turn on my charm. They never moved a muscle! I decided to throw the jack through the front windshield....so i did! but it hit the post right next to it instead. I quickly went to pick it up again and as i did i walked closer towards the driver's side.

I got as close as 2... maybe 3 feet when i saw and felt it.
A bright orangish/yellow flame almost reaching out to me and then as if completely separate from it came the blow. A pressure that hit my chest hard enough to make me freeze in my tracks..as in shock!
I thought i had just been killed and everything came to a slow motion. It was really strange. If for a brief moment...then i came back to reality, realized what had just happened and now the survival instinct kicked in. That same instinct that saved my ass many a time. I jumped over a chain linked fence and hit the ground, thinking they would shoot some more. They drove off quickly. I had no idea where Fernie was durning this time but he also took cover.

Afterward everything was silent and we were left standing there. We went back to his car and since it now wouldn't start i pushed him back to his place.

strangely, I ran into the guy who had shot at me an hour later around the corner from the house. We had words and i asked him who he was and where he was from. He tells me his name is Huero and he was from Echo Park (my old neighborhood) I got in his face and told him who i was...The o.g. and my name is Huero and I was there when we started up the neighborhood ! It turns out the car was his gramma's and he wanted Fernie to pay for the damage. Fernie was a lil guy so i stepped in very aggressively i stood in his space...so what you gonna do about it now huh kinda attitude.
I had no idea this guy was a boxer of sorts and he would have torn me up i'm sure. He was a younger homie but a bigger and stronger one than myself. I continued to "lecture" him bout doing shit like that in our own hood and he should know better. He finally realized he was in the wrong....and then i asked him the question.
What was that?? and why didn't i get hit??
It was his .357 and the guys who he said wanted to remain nameless had told him who i was just before he fired, so he aimed it off to the side of me. DAM!
could have fooled me... did!
All that night all i could see in my mind was the flash and the percussion blast. It went over and over in my head and i told Fernie the next day, all for your old junky V W! Never again, they can take mine too sh.. I learned something that night, years later from my "glory daze". Something about putting values on material possessions and the price of life. I'm glad this happened and even more grateful...i learned a valuable lesson, one more of so many in life.

Pulling Over The Cops?

Well as i was thinking, and realized that i really didn't pull them (cops) over "technically" but......Maybe i should just start from the beginning.

One evening as "we" (the usual) were cruising in the Lincoln, going to pick up some "smoke" over in the projects in E.L.A somewhere, that i noticed a unmarked unit following me through the roadways.

I hadn't been to my pick up yet but was getting closer to my destination which was just around the corner. Finally i decided to pull over and i stopped the car got out and walked on over to them.

Now the undercover cops were a "lil" surprised... you think? ha! They were both looking at me in the strangest way! You had to be there! I tell them - can i help you??
He then looks at me up and down carefully and tells me in a low puzzled sorta voice "what do you think you're doing? Are you f-n crazy? And as hes telling me this i happen to look down the inside edge of his door /window sil and see the end of a gun barrel pointing up at me.
My reply was simply; Well, you guys have been on my tail for a while and i just figured that eventually you would be pulling me over so i stopped.

He asked if i was from around there..I said no. Then he asked what was i doing here and i told him we just came to visit some friends. He says to me; You better leave this area right now, theres been some shooting lately, and not to be cruising around here! I told him i agreed. You better leave NOW.

That was pretty much the extent of our conversation, corgial ,yet to the point. No lets see some I.D. or what have you, probably because of the awkward position they were unexpectably placed in? I don't know but I walked back to my car, got in.. and we left. The homies still thought i was crazy for doing that, as i began filling them in on all the details, pretty much as i just did with you.

So i stand corrected...I did not really pull them over, but in a twilite zone sorta way....maybe thats just what the cops felt happened? go figure...
So mista osifers....YOU GO NOW!...go get your surgar glazed donut rush on... while shaking your heads in amazement and total disbelief. Hey...Only en Amedika! So meny Cray-z Peepuls!
Sh..,Its the "normal sane" ones that SCARE me!!

snap!snap!

My Front Door

The front door was my security blanket in a round about sense of the word.

When i was my crazy lil self i used to come home, close the front door and feel pretty
much safe. Our house was aways off from the street around 75 feet back more or less and the door was an old heavy solid wood door.

I felt if i was ever shot at or the house, the door would protect me and stop any bullets
flying and also, the distance would make it harder to get a better aim! This was my mentality, this was my life and it was a dangerous at times.

The house next door over (my neighbor) had been shot up many times and i remember some of the homies positioned up on the roof at times with rifles and or guns. Our rival gangs knew the house was a hangout and marked as such. But even though it was and not mine, i was still fearful of anyone shooting mine up. The story i wrote of Pacos Pad being shotup was at the time a part of this whole scene too. It was war and all i knew was that when i walked in and closed the door behind me i was safe at last.
At least for the moment...

Car Chase = Car Crash

One day Indi,Payaso,D and Myself were cruising around in the neighborhood looking for any outside hostiles who were at the time coming around and crossing us out where ever we had our names written on a wall.
Now this is something you just don't do without some type of relatiation. Everyone knows that is showing disrespect and will be dealt with one way or the other. Always has and always will be.
We were turning left on Scott onto Echo Park Ave when we spotted a lowrider that wasn't one of ours so we followed it. It had a full load of vatos in it and Indio who was driving saw one of them who he knew was from the other gang and as they looked back at us we started to chase them.
I always got a kick out of chases! It was a thrill filled with excitement and danger, not knowing what would happen to us or to them. We had at times done this before and the next thing you know we're all stopped somewhere and then it turns into a free-for-all! I'm not ashamed to say that we kicked ass and when your out-numbered the plan is to be much more agressive! This is what we did and it saved our asses many a time!

So as Indio was right on their tail we chased them all around the streets until they turned up Morton ave and headed toward the park. We continued to be right on them as now we're going through the park past Scott and Barstow toward where the Fire Academy or Navel Reserve Building. By now we are flying right past it and at the end of the road there is a split. You make a right turn or follow the sharp turn to the left.

We were going to fast to make this turn yet the car in front did it ok but as we tried to we couldn't slow down fast enough and lost control as we skidded into the rail to where it ends then into the chain link fence that separates us from the passing cars on the freeway. We tore right through it but it still stopped us just short of any real danger. Our car wouldn't start at all. Remember those "TWIST" i mention every once in a while?
The other car,these guys we were maddly chasing now came to a complete stop just up the road about 50 yards. You would think that they would have seen this as an oppertunity to kick some ass (ours)....right??
Yeah...right! But it didn't happen! and you know why? go ahead and guess......
I'll tell you, because i don't think you would figure it out or believe it!
They stopped aright! They even got out of their car! but the strange thing is...
They Ran Away!!! You heard right - THEY RAN AWAY!
There were more vatos in that ride than us, they had the perfect oppertunity to rush us and Fuck-Us-Up! but they didn't! Man!....whats up with that? Now this particular gang was big! Remember..we were only around 35 or so and not too much more than that.
Its funny, but some of the guys who joined us WERE from that gang not to mention others as well. We only took in those who weren't afraid to fight regardless of how many we were up against.
Now I'm not even about to make this shit up or brag, i'm just saying simply thats what WE were about. WE had the respect of others only because WE earned it and "proved ourselves" thats all. I am also not trying to give anyone the impression that we were SUPER BAD or TOUGH! WE JUST WERE!!
I believe it still might be that way, yet its just not the same anymore when some fools let a gun speak for them instead of their fists.(win or lose) Wheres the Honor? My X-homies still get down from what i hear and i'm proud of my old neighborhood for that and have alot of respect for that Old School mentality, but thats as far as it goes with me - I am a nobody and glad for it! I gotta admit - WE WERE CRAZY when it came down to blows!

So these guys took off in the other direction! The Nerve!
I'll tell you, I had this lil steel bar that was shaped like a candy cane and as soon as i was able to get out of the car and seen these guys take off, I ran to their car and began busting it up good! The windows, tail lights and head lights everything!
Only one problem....We were stranded with no more car and how were we gonna get back to the hood? Indio was pissed at me because there was glass everywhere and we needed their car to get back. We all had to pretty much sit on it even though it saw a short drive back - still!
We jumped in and drove off, the keys were still in it..How Dumb!
As we went down to Morton and Echo Park ave. Indio parked it in the gas station and we just left it there...all busted up. The next day somebody spray-painted it putting our hood on it then later it was lit-up like a christmas tree. I think it was an old 50ish black Ford..I remember it was something like that. If it happened to be yours...sorry!
(he-he) Thats what you get for running away and then leaving the KEYS in it!!

Well...Thats it!

-------------------------------------------

*poem


BROWN TEARS

HOW CAN I MAKE YOU HEAR
HOW CAN I MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS TEAR
IS IT BECAUSE A BULLET IS TO FREE ME FROM THIS FEAR

HOW CAN I KNOW IF MY DESTINY IS HEAVEN OR HELL
FROM THE BAD THINGS THAT I DONE IS HARD TO TELL
AND THE NIGHTS THAT I SPENT IN THE JAIL CEL

I TRY TO WALK THAT STRAIGHT LINE
BUT THE FEELING OF A NINE IN MY SPINE
MAKES ME CARRY A GAT TO FEEL FINE
DIPPING BULLETS IN THE NIGHT

HIT MY HOMIES THAT WERE IN SIGHT
AND IT FEEDS THE HATE WHICH IS CARVED IN MY MIND
IM READY TO FIGHT THAT'S WHY PEACE I CAN'T NO LONGER FIND THIS IS OUR CRAZY
LIFE WHERE PULLING TRIGGERS WE SURVIVE

THE GAME IS NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED THAT'S WHY THEY COMMIT SUICIDE
SO YOU BETTER SEE WHERE YOUR STEPPING CUZ YOU DONT WANNA GET BLASTED
BY ONE OF THE HOMIES WHO DOESN'T CARE IF HE IS ARRESTED

CUZ IT'S LIVE OR DIE FOR THE PRIDE
IT'S BAD CUZ WE CAN'T EVEN TAKE A WALK IN THE PARK
AND YOU BETTER BE STRAPPED AFTER DARK

-- by CHUCO

Como que I Lose?

You Lose !

What did it mean? Why didn't i get it? Would i ever NOT lose?

These were just a few i'd ask myself many times. It was getting old and i was finally getting tired of the same ol' thing, but i had no idea how to quit or change what i become. It was to the point where I'd be walking down the street minding my own business and then next thing i know i'm getting all these bright lights shined on me as if i just commited some crime.
So i would just stop and wait for the next command shouted out. Would else could i do?

I had been taken in many times on suspicion of something or another, then after awhile releasted. It came with the territory so what could i say! I brought it on myself and it was getting old already! Life was not the same anymore or all that good...it sucked at times and i didn't want to keep on losing.
My Homies were fading away one by one and i had nobody to look up to or even to turn to when i needed a little real advice, regardless of what it was, there was no one who i concidered smart enough to have a real answer that would help. Sure i knew plenty of homies who always had something to say, but it wasn't anything inteligent.

We all have someone we can turn to at times (or should have) but i wasn't getting the right answers i needed to hear, even if i didn't like it. No one had the BALLS to tell me the truth, how could anyone? They themselves had no one either! I was getting tired of the clowning and laughing instead of being taken seriously.

My only close friends were now locked up somewhere and couldn't help themselves so i had to look elsewhere. I was young and yet i was living my life as a old man. I had too much weight on me and it was wearing me down. I should have been playing sports or something where all this energy could go that wasn't being used on anything other than doing wrong. I never went hiking or camping, i never thought it would be cool to do those kinda things and besides...I didn't really have anyone ever ask me if i was maybe interested or invite me.
Now...so many years later, I finally know what its like and its totally cool! (camping and stuff) But back then all i was into was stealing cars and going to juvy. Sure i did other things too but it wasn't any good and it only lasted a while....now what do we do?
Being bored only cause me to look for trouble, and it wasn't hard to find cause usually it came to me. My attitude and appearance didn't do me no good. Sometimes i had guys chasing me for no reason, but there always was a reason... i just didn't get it!
Nobody was gonna tell me anything about anything! This was who I am and thats all there was to it!
Shit, I was proud of it and it showed! Alot of people were afraid of me cause i looked bad and acted tough...but inside, I was scared. I never knew who would be around the corner and as long as i stood close to home, i felt safe but i also knew i couldn't do that...I needed to get around, I couldn't just hide! I figured that one day i would run into the wrong people and i would wind up like some homie...either shot or stabed.

I knew it would cause ALOT OF PAIN to my Mom, my Dad, my whole Family but i was gonna do what i wanted and hang out with the homies, cause i was there for them and they were there for me but thats as far as it could go. We all went our own way at the end of the night. I still needed someone who would accept me even if i didn't always go along with it...know what i mean? Maybe...maybe not.

I didn't realize that some of my homies didn't like me cause i stood up to them instead of letting them tell me what to do. They never showed it but would talk behind my back to the others. I finally started to see what my life meant to them and it wasn't much. If they could have used me in any stupid kinda way they would have. At least i knew better than that, but i saw alot of homies give in or try to look cool by doing something real stupid. They were the only ones who paid the price for it too.

Then one day it happened. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cops through a raid. I tried to get away put got caught. I went to jail and while there i ran into some neighborhood dealers. I didn't think much of it but they were already thinking i had something to do with them getting busted. Not til i left for Job Corps
did i later find out from a real friend who wasn't even banging anymore. (and who i happen to jump into the Varrio)

One day I get this call from him telling me that my name is fucken SHIT down in the neighborhood! And that i was a marked man! He then told me what the rumor was about and how they were saying i ratted on them and they had this lil story about it. Man, I was even more pissed now cause i just went through some other bulshit like that i had to deal with and now this??? He told me to stay where i was until it blew over. The first chance i got i came back down to confront my accusers. Having a green light on you from everybody and their sister wasn't cool at all! It turns out they found out who it was and then knew it wasn't me. I WASN'T Relieved! The damage was already done and it totally sucked!! Now the only thing any one would remember about me is "Aren't you the one who they said".......
It just wouldn't matter now that it wasn't me but somebody else, and thats what i mean. I once again hit up the homies one by one to see where they were comming from and they just didn't act or look at me the same anymore,(or into my eyes) not since some others (who finally got their chance) talked trash and said not to ever trust me or whatever. Well i now knew who my friends were and i really didn't care anymore.

That too helped me to see for myself something i should have along time ago. Theres a song that i really dig and it does say it all. Its by the Dramatics and its called "Smilling Faces". The whole Album/CD is good. But that song reminds me of something very important in my life. How people can pretend to be your friend, the handshake? the pat on the back? yet "the eyes" don't lie! I get it now...i-get-it! (do you?)

That song is so right-on! think about it. I've seen homies leave their friends behind or run away when they needed them and that shouldn't be like that, but i learned and have no hard feelings, I just told myself its time to grow up and be my OWN Man and run my own life my way and to not worry bout what others think or say about me.

My pride? I still have it strong as ever, only its MY PRIDE not anyone else's. Pride in who i am and Pride in my Name!
And its the right kind of feeling...a good-good feeling cause i know that regardless if i didn't have anyone around FOR ME...I had myself and I was the only one who could make any changes for myself and be a new person and do (and experience) things i never did before,and even get along with "other" races too and be cool instead of Maddogging everyone cause i didn't like the way they looked at me or some stupid petty lil shit like that. People get killed over bullshit like that! If my looks could have killed....there would have been alot of people, and for what? cause of my immature and insecure "pride"? yea,right.

Look...Straight out,I'm not a religious vato ok...but tell you what...I got no problem at all and not ashamed to turn to the man upstairs when i feel lonely or afraid for whatever reason...and i need him to help me out,and WE all need him, some are just to stuborn or stupid to admit it, remember..i know from experience. I found out thats why he's there.....to care, even when no one else gives a shit or doesn't understand. Now does that sound "religious" to you? (something that easy and simple) I hope not! think about it...cause i don't think so.
I lost ALOT!...but i also Finally gained alot more and i finally got some answers.
It was time for me to quit seeing and to quit hearing "You lose". I did lose, but it didn't have to be that way or stay that way....So I started to "NOT lose". WHY?

Cause thats the way i now wanted it - Thats the way it was gonna be -
And thats just the way it is... end of story!


so...
For any young Homies out there...
you got some questions?
Well I got some answers.
my e-mails up there - use it

_____________________

*A Homie 'Til the End


Thanx for always being there
when my life isn't going right
when things don't seem fair

thanx for putting a smile on my face
for making my life a better place
when it seems like a waste

thanx for always brightening my day
for always listening to everything I have to say

thanx for helping me though all my hard times
when things get rough
for listening to my problems
when I know you've heard enough

thanx for being there for everything I've been through
for being a homie I know is true

thanx for being my best friend till the end
for being a homie... till the end

-- by Dopey (some young homie out there) Thanx D

Now Its a .22 Cal? Geez !!

One nice and normal sunny day as i was washing my lil sports car parked out in front of the house, a neighbor from up the block came down the street and stopped just a few feet or so behind me in the street. He got out of his car and from the back seat pulled out a rifle. He was mumbling something about this lil pocket sized 5 shot pistol i had shown him the week before in which he insisted that it was his and i had either stole it or bought it from this "other" guy. I told him he was wrong and didn't know what he was talking about and left it at that.

Now he was only a few yards from me pointing a rifle at me and saying he wanted it back! Again i told him that it wasn't his and that i personally purchased it at my local gun store and that i had the reciept but wasn't even going to bother showing it to him cause i didn't have to prove anything to him.

I told him that while keeping my distance behind the right corner of my lil car, well he just didn't care to hear what i had to say and began firing at me. I ducted behind my car while he was empting his .22 at me, of course they were close but i was safe as long as i took cover. Now a.22 will more likely just bounce off the side or put a small dent but more much more unless your hit, then thats a grave difference cause it tends to bounce around inside and do deadly damage!

As soon as he ran out of ammo, i stepped out all the time being calm and non hostile in return, trying to talk some sense into him. You see, i knew this guy for many years and we never had a problem. I also knew he was on drugs and that explained his behavior so i understood.

As he was thinking about reloading i drew closer towards him while talking to him. He reached into the car and pulled out a loaded flair gun. Now i was out in the open with nowhere to take cover and that gun looked pretty scarry to me, all the time thinking of the big hot hole it would make in me. I froze in my tracks.
Now all the time this was going on i had my lil 5 shot dereinger in my pocket. I just didn't feel i needed to shoot him...or i would have! Simple as that.
while we're taliking, my neighbor sticks his head out to see whats going on and then goes to call the police. After coming to his senses somewhat and me telling him "hey we go way back, what are you going? do you really want to shoot or even kill me here in front of my house?"
He got back into his car and drove away.

The police showed up a lil while later as i was checking out all the bullet holes or gouges from them and heard a hissing from my rear tire...
Dam!
They pulled up and asked what happened and i told them. they asked if i knew where he lived and they went to his house where he was waiting. they pulled out the flair and rifle and another in the trunk. He did about 6 to 8 months for being stupid and i went to court to make sure he knew he was gonna pay for it.

After he got out i happen to run into him at some guys funeral. I was just the transportation for a friend to go pay his respects. I walked up to him and to his utter surprise, asked how he was doing. The look on his face was shock, and even for me to speak to him. He said the court told him he had to keep his distance from me. I didn't know that.

He in turn surprised me and i was in shock when he thanked me for his "vacation". He said it was really getting out of hand, his drug use and all and this gave him time to straighten out. Whatever....

I told him i could have fired back but i wouldn't . I also mentioned that to the police and they told me " then we would be taking you to jail" So anyway, thats what happened on that nice sunny day...it once again, could have been my last. Believe it or not but i really don't feel like trouble finds me or that i attract it. I just try now if possible to defuse any potenial conflict and if i need to defend myself....well, i will think twice, because i will lose regardless, but as any good officer would tell you, a good day is a day when they don't have to use their weapon and can work it out in other ways. I agree

Cow Pie, now thats some crazyshit pt.1

That is one night i will never forget....But then i say this about all the nights! I was cruising in my beautiful 1961 Lincoln Continental, you know....the one with those crazy "suicide doors" on it....that was a fun "Land Boat" too but anyway-

This lil trip i took down to the projects called Aliso Village to score a nice chunk of "HASHISH" to party with and let me tell you..I Loved That Shit! (pun intended)
I had a few homies with me at the time and from there we were going over to some fine babydoll's pad.
So....I pulled up to the projects, found a parking spot (in somebody's space) and we
all got out. A short time later after taking care of our lil business, we all piled back into my ride and headed out..... wait!...back up a second...We piled into the car and as we were ABOUT TO HEAD OUT a bright light filled the car's interior and us. We had a couple of un-marked L.A.P.D.(or Housing Authority) patrol cars behind us and i didn't even start up the car yet!
Here we go again.....

We were all pulled out and told to assume the position against a wall next to my car. We were searched and of course i had the hash on me. That was it.... BUSTED!! We were all loaded into the cop cars and taken in. They had put us into the same small holding cell and that was that! An hour had past then two, and all was quiet around the station other than the typical sounds of office work. No one had come to tell us anything or at least to begin the booking process which i was pretty familar with as were the others.

Finally...Noise!...Laughing! lots of laughing!! coming from the other room and becoming more obvious it had something to do with all of us! (or just me?)
About five or six officers stepped into the holding room corridor as they were still chuckling amongst themselves, then a second later one of them finally came on over to let us in on the joke......

and it really was funny too, but I wasn't laughing.....