Como que I Lose?

You Lose !

What did it mean? Why didn't i get it? Would i ever NOT lose?

These were just a few i'd ask myself many times. It was getting old and i was finally getting tired of the same ol' thing, but i had no idea how to quit or change what i become. It was to the point where I'd be walking down the street minding my own business and then next thing i know i'm getting all these bright lights shined on me as if i just commited some crime.
So i would just stop and wait for the next command shouted out. Would else could i do?

I had been taken in many times on suspicion of something or another, then after awhile releasted. It came with the territory so what could i say! I brought it on myself and it was getting old already! Life was not the same anymore or all that good...it sucked at times and i didn't want to keep on losing.
My Homies were fading away one by one and i had nobody to look up to or even to turn to when i needed a little real advice, regardless of what it was, there was no one who i concidered smart enough to have a real answer that would help. Sure i knew plenty of homies who always had something to say, but it wasn't anything inteligent.

We all have someone we can turn to at times (or should have) but i wasn't getting the right answers i needed to hear, even if i didn't like it. No one had the BALLS to tell me the truth, how could anyone? They themselves had no one either! I was getting tired of the clowning and laughing instead of being taken seriously.

My only close friends were now locked up somewhere and couldn't help themselves so i had to look elsewhere. I was young and yet i was living my life as a old man. I had too much weight on me and it was wearing me down. I should have been playing sports or something where all this energy could go that wasn't being used on anything other than doing wrong. I never went hiking or camping, i never thought it would be cool to do those kinda things and besides...I didn't really have anyone ever ask me if i was maybe interested or invite me.
Now...so many years later, I finally know what its like and its totally cool! (camping and stuff) But back then all i was into was stealing cars and going to juvy. Sure i did other things too but it wasn't any good and it only lasted a while....now what do we do?
Being bored only cause me to look for trouble, and it wasn't hard to find cause usually it came to me. My attitude and appearance didn't do me no good. Sometimes i had guys chasing me for no reason, but there always was a reason... i just didn't get it!
Nobody was gonna tell me anything about anything! This was who I am and thats all there was to it!
Shit, I was proud of it and it showed! Alot of people were afraid of me cause i looked bad and acted tough...but inside, I was scared. I never knew who would be around the corner and as long as i stood close to home, i felt safe but i also knew i couldn't do that...I needed to get around, I couldn't just hide! I figured that one day i would run into the wrong people and i would wind up like some homie...either shot or stabed.

I knew it would cause ALOT OF PAIN to my Mom, my Dad, my whole Family but i was gonna do what i wanted and hang out with the homies, cause i was there for them and they were there for me but thats as far as it could go. We all went our own way at the end of the night. I still needed someone who would accept me even if i didn't always go along with it...know what i mean? Maybe...maybe not.

I didn't realize that some of my homies didn't like me cause i stood up to them instead of letting them tell me what to do. They never showed it but would talk behind my back to the others. I finally started to see what my life meant to them and it wasn't much. If they could have used me in any stupid kinda way they would have. At least i knew better than that, but i saw alot of homies give in or try to look cool by doing something real stupid. They were the only ones who paid the price for it too.

Then one day it happened. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cops through a raid. I tried to get away put got caught. I went to jail and while there i ran into some neighborhood dealers. I didn't think much of it but they were already thinking i had something to do with them getting busted. Not til i left for Job Corps
did i later find out from a real friend who wasn't even banging anymore. (and who i happen to jump into the Varrio)

One day I get this call from him telling me that my name is fucken SHIT down in the neighborhood! And that i was a marked man! He then told me what the rumor was about and how they were saying i ratted on them and they had this lil story about it. Man, I was even more pissed now cause i just went through some other bulshit like that i had to deal with and now this??? He told me to stay where i was until it blew over. The first chance i got i came back down to confront my accusers. Having a green light on you from everybody and their sister wasn't cool at all! It turns out they found out who it was and then knew it wasn't me. I WASN'T Relieved! The damage was already done and it totally sucked!! Now the only thing any one would remember about me is "Aren't you the one who they said".......
It just wouldn't matter now that it wasn't me but somebody else, and thats what i mean. I once again hit up the homies one by one to see where they were comming from and they just didn't act or look at me the same anymore,(or into my eyes) not since some others (who finally got their chance) talked trash and said not to ever trust me or whatever. Well i now knew who my friends were and i really didn't care anymore.

That too helped me to see for myself something i should have along time ago. Theres a song that i really dig and it does say it all. Its by the Dramatics and its called "Smilling Faces". The whole Album/CD is good. But that song reminds me of something very important in my life. How people can pretend to be your friend, the handshake? the pat on the back? yet "the eyes" don't lie! I get it now...i-get-it! (do you?)

That song is so right-on! think about it. I've seen homies leave their friends behind or run away when they needed them and that shouldn't be like that, but i learned and have no hard feelings, I just told myself its time to grow up and be my OWN Man and run my own life my way and to not worry bout what others think or say about me.

My pride? I still have it strong as ever, only its MY PRIDE not anyone else's. Pride in who i am and Pride in my Name!
And its the right kind of feeling...a good-good feeling cause i know that regardless if i didn't have anyone around FOR ME...I had myself and I was the only one who could make any changes for myself and be a new person and do (and experience) things i never did before,and even get along with "other" races too and be cool instead of Maddogging everyone cause i didn't like the way they looked at me or some stupid petty lil shit like that. People get killed over bullshit like that! If my looks could have killed....there would have been alot of people, and for what? cause of my immature and insecure "pride"? yea,right.

Look...Straight out,I'm not a religious vato ok...but tell you what...I got no problem at all and not ashamed to turn to the man upstairs when i feel lonely or afraid for whatever reason...and i need him to help me out,and WE all need him, some are just to stuborn or stupid to admit it, remember..i know from experience. I found out thats why he's there.....to care, even when no one else gives a shit or doesn't understand. Now does that sound "religious" to you? (something that easy and simple) I hope not! think about it...cause i don't think so.
I lost ALOT!...but i also Finally gained alot more and i finally got some answers.
It was time for me to quit seeing and to quit hearing "You lose". I did lose, but it didn't have to be that way or stay that way....So I started to "NOT lose". WHY?

Cause thats the way i now wanted it - Thats the way it was gonna be -
And thats just the way it is... end of story!


so...
For any young Homies out there...
you got some questions?
Well I got some answers.
my e-mails up there - use it

_____________________

*A Homie 'Til the End


Thanx for always being there
when my life isn't going right
when things don't seem fair

thanx for putting a smile on my face
for making my life a better place
when it seems like a waste

thanx for always brightening my day
for always listening to everything I have to say

thanx for helping me though all my hard times
when things get rough
for listening to my problems
when I know you've heard enough

thanx for being there for everything I've been through
for being a homie I know is true

thanx for being my best friend till the end
for being a homie... till the end

-- by Dopey (some young homie out there) Thanx D